sometimes i wonder. how hard can it be to stay in a relationship? how hard does one have to be while being in a relationship. issit really tat hard to maintain one? how am i not trying enough?

*I SUX AT HANDLING RELATIONSHIP*

I know i sux at it. maybe i shoud never go find one. cause everyrthing turns out to be the same. ending up hurting each other. then wats the point of having a relationship? so tat i can show off to people? "hey! look! my galfren is sooooooo b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l!" "check out my gal! she's the hottest!" wat's all tis crap??! a girlfriend is not a display item to be shown to others. not a toy. not a pet. so wats the point of having a galfren? for sex? someone tat u can shag it out when u're horny? someone to please your sexual cravings? someone to blow u and let u cum into her mouth when u wanna burst? tats call a sexual mate, a pillow fren, or put in lay man's term, a SLUT. nothing else. na...it's not tat either. i've never treated her in tis way. NEVER. cause sex is to be enjoyed while loving each other. and i do enjoy having sex with her is due to the fact tat i love her.

then wats a galfren/boyfren for? to be there for each other in times of need? to love each other forever and ever? to make each other happy everyday? to share each other's problem? to understand each other very well? to be each other's pillar of strength? to give each other hope? to love each other for their own faults? to stay true to each other? nonsense! wats all tis crap? nothing is worth loving now anymore. but tat my own point of view. wats there to love? i've tried so many times. so many times till i'm tired now. really really tired. i wanna stop falling. but can i? it's seems like i'm still falling down, down into the bottomless pit. wats at the end of the pit? i really wanna know bout tat. where will i land. when will i stop falling. i wanna sleep in peace without nitemare. i wanna close my eyes not thinking bout anything. i wan peace.

wats wrong with me? i feel tat i can't keep my relationships in check. issit the gal or does the problem lies with me? i dun know. does my heart sways too fast and too easy? i dun know. or am i really afraid of being alone? tat i can't make do with someone by my side? i really have no idea. or issit tat i see one i like one? just trying out till the rite one comes? i'v broken lots of hearts and oso my heart has being broken quite a number of times. why can't i learn my lesson? wats wrong? am i thinking rite? or i just dun wanna see wats in front of me and just go bindly to my my heart leads me.

over the past year, i've had one tat really love me. i know. cause i dare to admit to myself tat i oso love her as well. tis is one thing tat i'll never admit. loving someone. but it's really a mind twisting suitation on relationship. i can't love someone. tat i know it myself. so when the feeling hits me, i really dun know wat to do. i can't face my wat i'm feeling at tat point of time. i dun know wat came over me to let her wait so long. and when i know tat i really do love her and am ready to accept her, problems came bout. when we're finally together, i felt something for another gal. wats tis?? things happened and i thought i felt something for her. but after sorting out thoughts from last nite to today, i do know who i really. it's you u know. i really wanted you. after all tis, after wat happened, i still choose you. i still wanted you. i still love you. just liked i've always love you. but it's all too late now. the reason why i choose to remain frens with tat gal is cause i know i can overcome wat i thought i felt for her. it's a mistake. it's all a big mistake thinking tat i like her. it's even a bigger mistake keeping her as a fren when i know tat meiting will not like it. it's even a bigger mistake meeting her to tok bout her problems behind meiting's back.

+Retribuation+

i had it coming to me rite? of all the thing i've done. bad karma collected over the years. even now i know how wat's meiting doing, kinda worries me. everything is over between me and her. or rather, everything is over. the past year has being a blur. but tis blur has made me fall in love. i really wish i could keep tis blur going on forever. but it's my own fault tat things turn out tis way. i can only blame myself. for putting her through the hurt she's going through. for the pain she's going through. she dun deserve any of tis. it's my own fault. i thought i was the one to make her happy, make her smile, make her feel safe with me. but instead, i did the reverse of all tis. i brought her pain, hurt, regret, sadness and much more.

+I can only walk down the road of regret from now on and carry the sins of wat i've done on my back.+

i'm sorry meiting, for wat i've done to you. it's all my fault and i'll regret it for as long as i'm alive. it's my fault for making you cry, my fault for siding with her, my fault for not having eyes to see who my frens are, my fault for making you hurt yourself, my fault for making you go through something u're not suppose to go through, my fault for making u feel upset, my fault for knowing her, my fault for meeting her, my fault for making u cry everytime, my fault for not keeping my promise to make you happy.

- +FREE?+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 4:44 PM