Thursday, September 30, 2004

it's being some time. some time since i last sat down and pen my feelings here. these few days i've being so lost. never so lost before. i've being so lost i dun know wat to feel anymore. i wanna just escape from tis harsh and unhappy world. to go to a place where no one can find me, to just be left alone in the dark. why issit always me tats the one tat always run away? tat always can't face the truth? i hate tis feeling. i've fallen again. tis time round, it's not bout me. there's another person tat have fallen down with me oso. she has fallen so deep, even deeper then me. i hate myself to see her in tis way. it's not fair to her. just so not fair. and u know wat? it's my own fault tats she crying everytime she opens her eyes, it's my fault tat she can't smile anymore. my fault tat she feels so lost now. my fault tat she tells me she is so dead inside her heart, tat she is now just an empty shell just living life for the sake of living, living life for only god knows wat reason.

i've let her down. i've killed off her heart. i've destory her happy self tat she once was. i've hurt her. hurt her more then all the guys tat have hurt her combined. it's all my fault. i've strayed. strayed away from her. by doing so, i've made her cry. something tat i've promise myself tat i'll never do when i first knew her. but still i let it happen. i made her cry so badly. she's being crying for two days straight now. her tears never stop flowin. her face is always wet from the tears tat kept flowing down, she only has new tears to replace the old ones every sec, every min. and all this is because of me. all these because she loves me so much. i'm sorry to waste your love away. to stray away from you and cause you so much pain. for the past year we've being through, tis is the time where i see you at your most weakest. your most sad and down moment. it has to be me tat cause her all this hurt. and i really really hate myself for all tat has happen. why? why? why is all tis happening now?? it's being a year plus. i've learn to accept u for wat you are and who you are. wats more to stop us from really being together? issit me? my feelings of the past? tat i'm not ready for you yet? i was ready for you the other time. but u choose someone else. i was so ever ready. but u though tat i was still harped on the thoughts of getting back with my ex. but i was not. at tat point of time, i have gotten over the her. but we went down to zouk, u saw me hugging her and things came to your mind. i was hugging her cause she came to hug me as a fren. tats all...pure frenship only....nothing more then tat. but wats running through your head? tat i was hugging her cause i miss her? cause i still think of her all the time? is tat why u went to find another guy tat nite? u found another guy and got together with him after tat nite. why? to spite me? u know i will not be spited in tis way. were u happy with him? u seem so happy at tat time. but then again....u got yourself transfered to another location. why? do u really hated seeing me at tat point of time? but i was still here for you. waiting for you to come back to me. u did come back after some time. why? u told me u wan to see me. i'm fine with tat. we contine to see each other everyday. i was happy. u? i dun know...somehow i feel painful for you. u were with him still and yet u are with me at the same time. why does tis kinda stuff have to happen to me? to you? to him? it's not fair to all three of us at the same time. in the end, u choose to break it off with him. u came to me. or did u? i dun know...it did occur to me this thought..."if u can hold my hand and hug behind your bf, will u do tat in the future while u're with me?" but i put tat thought down. i shut it off in my mind. cause i wanna care for you again and make you happy always. can i do tat? will i be able to make u happy again? in the end i did. when i saw u crying everytime u fought with him, i came over and console u. i did everything i could in my power to make you smile again. you did. and boy...am i so happy seeing you all smiles again.

but with all tis, wat does it leads to? it's being a year plus...are we getting anywhere? i dun know...i really dun know....we were together? were we together? tats up to you to decide. i'm here for you. always....no matter where, when, wat time, wat moment. just a call and i'll fly down asap. maybe i'm kinda old fashion in someways. but u said tat "do we need a status? we've being like a couple like for so long already. why need the status?" it kinda hurts me to hear tat. so are we together? were we together? since a year ago? then why were u with him? then why tell me now tat we're together for like two months when i strayed? sometimes i dun know. or maybe i dun wanna know anymore.....i just wanna be the one there to care for you, to love you, to make you smile whenever you're down.

indeed....i've strayed...i've fallen for someone else. not in a moment of folly, not a rash thought, not treating her as a fling or watsoever, but the truth is, i've fallen for her. theres something bout her tat makes me think of her everynow and then. everytime i closed my eyes, i see her.

i do love you....yes i do...i really love you in my own special way...and i'm sure tat you know i love you as much as you love me. if then so, then why am i straying away from you? is there something wrong with me? i dun know....man...there's so much i dun know tonite...i really hate myself for being tis way. why can't we get together in the rite way? in the proper way like everyone does? why do we have to drag ourselves for over a year? yes...in the begining i do admit....i was not ready for you. cause i still have someone else in my mind everyday. but i've learn to accept her going. and i'm ready to accept you. but u went away....u went away to another place, another guy. i was so sad, hurt, words can't really express how i feel rite now at tat point of time. u know wat? for the past year tat we're "together", or the past two months tat we're "tgether", the last fri and sat was the most happy days and times of my life. we went out on dates, we had ourselves to each other on those 2 days. i was so out of the world with you. instead of making you happy when u're sad, instead of seeing you only for a while at work, instead of going out for supper with you and the gang after work. we had each other, only the 2 of us for the weekend. things are so happy for us. but i had to change everything rite? u found out tat i had someone else in my mind while i was out with you. i'm sorry tat u found out. it did made u sad, yes...tat i know. everything changed from then rite? everything went downhill.

i know it's my fault for letting tis matter to happen. but also please bear in mind, for tis past 1 year i've being trying my best to make you happy. make you smile. i do love you. in my very own special way. no doubt, i do see us as a couple, but there are sometimes when i feel so tired..so very very shagged out by you. no doubt i'll still try my best to make you happy. but there are times u have to let go. i too have my own life. i love you. always and forever. i love you more then anyone i've ever loved in my life. tis i am sure of it. but wat is tis kinda love i'm having for you? i'm really not sure. i do know i love you enough to make you smile when i see u sad and down, love you enough to go to great lengths to make u happy. but wat am i suppose to do when u have another guy? u told me u can't find the love in me, so u went to another person who u think can give u wat i can't. but i still carry in loving you, even though u told me u can't find it in me. it's not easy for me. please. but u came back, telling me tat u always loved me. if so, then why find another? i did not. for the past year i did not. i did not go find another, even while you're with another person. i did ask myself, wats tis love tat i have for you? u know wat? up to now....it's still blur to me.

do i lived my life for you? i come to work everyday just to see u, have dinner with u, wait for you to finish work, have supper with you and sent you home. yes...u told me tat u're doing the same thing as well. i dun know....if we're doing the same thing for each other, then why are we not feeling strong enough towards each other?

and then TY came along. we started off as frens. frens tat really can click so well...and then, somehow feelings came along for TY. how and why i dun know. i got freaked out myself. how come i can start to have feelings for another person again. i wanted to be sure before i do anything. but the feelings just came on stronger and stronger. i really can't control then. i really can't. some stuff happened and i guess i'm like sorta on the road of no return with my feelings for her. rite now, i feel like tat i'm letting the both of them down. wat should i do? does god knows? if so...then i'll start believing in god now. how can i come out of tis? man...i feel so much for TY. never before have my feelings hit me so strong. i can't handle it anymore...i'm falling down...falling ever so deep...

+i've fallen from where i once was and i can't see where i'm falling down towards+

i'm bleeding from my heart...bleeding ever so bad...

i'm feeling angry at myself. why i allow things to happen in tis kinda way. my mind's a blank now...i can't think straight, much less ponder on why things are like tis. i'm feeling lost. something tat i've not felt for a long long time. i'm smoking my life away these two days. is there anything to do? can there be someone to take me away? i wanna fly away....but i'm scared tat i'll fall again...i'm falling now. falling so badly, without stopping, without knowing.

+Leave Me Alone In The Dark.+

a song tat i think suits my mood now......

POR LOS MOMENTOS DIF CILES
YA ENTENND QUE LA FLOR M S BELLA
SER A SIEMPRE PARA MI

LYDIA　迷離的眼眶
為何流浪　心碎的海洋
受了傷　連微笑都徬徨
GYPSY女郎　為誰而唱

你會看見霧　看見雲　看見太陽
龜裂的大地重複著悲傷

＊他走了帶不走你的天堂
風乾後會留下彩虹淚光
他走了你可以把夢留下
總會有個地方　等待愛飛翔

LYDIA　幸福不在遠方
開一扇窗　許下願望

你會感受愛　感受恨　感受原諒
生命總不會只充滿悲傷

- +Leave Me Alone In The Dark+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 5:35 PM

Saturday, September 25, 2004

A sad thing happened. not really a sad thing. kinda expected it though, but not really the way i expected it to turn out. moi got terminated from a job tat i really enjoyed and loved a lot. reson being? well...let's just say tat i've done something i should not have done. man....i'm gonna miss tat place. it was sorta an escape from the hell tat i've being through everyday. a heaven tat i can turn to from the harsh cruel world tat i faced everyday. good times are forged there and friendships are formed. brotherhood are made there and the memories there tat i have will always stay in the back of my mind. forever stored in the back of my head, taken out only to relished when times are tough and i've to carry on and be strong. thanks GVTM. it's really a place i can call home when i'm down and out.


overcoming the devil in you before becoming an angel.

THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON IS ALWAYS YOUR OWNSELF. OVERCOME YOUR OWN DEVILS BEFORE OVERCOMING OTHERS.

- +The past has finally caught up with me+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 6:12 AM

Friday, September 24, 2004

here i'm, sitting by the stairs, staring at the sun....smoking my life away. taking a moment to pause in tis hell and think bout life. wat are we made for? why are we here? wats our purpose here? are we just here for some reproducement purpose? or are we just some kinda freaks tat evolved wrongly from apes? is there a god? or is god just a dog spelled backwards?

god==dog?==god? (spelled backwards)

is there more to life? or is life just a long long dream?

being a boring day. did not blog last nite as my own freaking comp had some problems. think finally came crashing down on me. can go to my blog, but cannot write anything inside. need to get a new hard disk...but too lazy to go down sim lim to get one. freaking not me these few weeks. being living my life in a daze. wats wrong? wats fucking wrong with me? keep wanting to study...but the mind and heart are not listening to me. in the end just ended up stoning the days away. man! it's like the final lap in tis fucking sch and i just dun have the heart to make it through. feel like giving up now. man....it's so hard being me. stuck at a stage where i'm neither here nor there. stuck at a cross-roads where it's not even mind. why? why me?

who can save me? i'm falling down....falling for so long...when will i land? where will i land?

well....at least all i can say is tat at least in tis darkness, i managed to at least found some light. it came by accident. someone tat i did not expect it to be. somehow out of a sudden. i dun know. i dun know why the feelings for her are so strong tis time round. feelings tat i thought i can never feel again. feelings tat have being ripped off from me before. i did not know tat my heart can feel again. and i thought my heart has being torn out and stabbed and thrown aside as fodder for some stray to feast upon. no. i never did blame her at all. and i really mean it. i'll treat it as an exprience gained. a lesson learned. in the beginning, she told me to be strong. i could not. but now, it's different. time heals i guess. and time brings forward new things.

feelings...losted and found again. tis time in you.why and how i really do not know. the feelings just come when i least expect it. it really caught me by surprise. it hitted me like an on-coming train. it's such a sudden rush for me. but i'm oso afraid as well. but why should i be afraid? why not try again? but would u like to give us a try? u're afraid, i'm afraid. but then again...u say tat u're happy around me. well princess..i'm happy around you as well. u say tat u're scared of hurting me. well....wat i can say to you is tat who is not afraid not getting hurt? but then again...since we're happy with each other by our sides, sometimes it does not matters even if it's for a day, a week, a month, a year...we asked each other if it's wrong from tat nite when we 1st kissed. well baby....i can only tell you tis. this time round, i used my heart to go with the flow. i closed my eyes, used myt heart to kiss, and the feelings just grows on stronger. i' not asking anything from you, nor do i want anything from you. the only thing tat i ask from you is tat you be yourself, smile always...you always look most beautiful when you're smiling at you.

as much as i dun wanna admit, why i've fallen for you are your eyes. man! you've got the most soul-ful eyes tat i've even seen. i've really fallen for you and those eyes for yours. if not why would i always look into your eyes without blinking an eyelid? i know wat u mean when u say i've got tat kinda electrical eyes. did u know tat you have them as well? u know wat? i really hope things can and will work for us. it' really hard for me to find someone tat i can really click along with. and it's really hard tat i can find someone tat can make me feel so strongly again. but then again...it takes two hands to clap. wat bout you? how are your feelings? no worries k? i'll wait. when u're ready, u can always come tell me. for now, i just wan you to be happy whenever you're with me. tats all i ask for.

- +The thing about the Sun, the Stairs, some Cigarettes and a pair of Eyes+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 2:46 AM

Thursday, September 23, 2004

finally...a tiny air pocket for me to breath in. all my projects are finally done. preseatations are over and all tat left now is to study for the main exams. 2 papers are all tat i'm left with tats holding me back from completing this 4 and a half years of hell tat i'm living through.

life's a living hell...go along with it or get over it...

where will i land if i stop falling? sometimes i wonder. i want to land somewhere. but where? i dun care if i fall and just crash and die. at least it's a stop. will i be something like tis??

i've being falling for so long...i just wanna land...

how to make me...

3% smiles
7% happiness
10% gloom
20% depression
15% suicidal
15% failure
20% anger
10% alive

how to re-make me...

just kill me off...
reborn me in another era, another time...

- +A tiny breath of AIR in this tight life+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 2:34 AM

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

another day, another new beginning. or issit the same old boring routine again? Being thinking bout wat happened last nite. Is it a dream? Did it actually happened? hmm....ya...i think it did. i can still feel the warmth of the kiss deep down in moi's heart, the taste of her lips still lingering in my tongue.

no doubt the kiss is one of the sweetest kiss i've ever had, but then again, i dun wanna come crushing down again. more then once is enough. ever wonder when you've being hurt more then once but yet you still wanna go ahead and try again when another chance just appears there for you? sometimes i really wonder why i do tat. or issit tat deep down inside i'm just a lonely person? tat i can't stand being by myself just for 5 mins?

then another question came into my head again...wat are we rite now? at tis point of time? wat will we be if feelings ever fade away? will we be the same again like before? or will we be like strangers? walking past each other like we've never ever met in our lifes? tis is a point i'll not touch on now. wats the point of thinking so far into the future when we dun really even have a beginning now? for all these questions.....i'll rather think them over with you.

am i thinking too much? am i giving myself too much stress? i dun know....i dun wanna know anymore....let's just go by my feelings again once more. if tis fails me then i guess i'll really give up going by the heart and listen more to my mind.

being listening to this god damn song for like god knows how long already! it just keeps getting stuck in my head! everytime i start to listen to tis track, i'll just repeat it on my player for the whole....DAMN!

The Unforgiven II

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you

What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you

Oh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you (So I dub thee unforgiven)

Oh, what I've felt Oh, what I've known
I take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too
Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too
Oh

man...it's soooo freaking cosy here in my work-cell...think it's due to the fact it's raining outside and i'm stuck here in tis "just nice temperature" room blogging. gonna Zzzzzzz anytime now......zzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzz....zzzz...*snork*...zzzzzz.zzz.....zzzz...*snore*...zzzz....*snork*...zzzzzzzz

1.25 AM...bought a new toy for my bro...an iPod. i could never figure out all kinda techno techy toys. why does he needs such a expensive toy? dun really get him...just came back from watching DodgeBall. quite a lame but nevertheless, funny show. hhmmmm....dun know why, but i'm started to getting hooked on blogging. seems so funny....a guy like me would start to blog. and yet, blogging and blogging like theres no end. interesting...

i dun wanna care bout anything anymore...i dun wanna think bout wats going down the road. i'm happy whenever i'm around you. i hope you are as well. since we are and can be happy around each other...let's just stay tat way shall we?

- +The song tats always at the back of my head...+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 5:18 AM

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Man...It's 2.20PM and I'm just lazing around in my V.R lad doing nothing. By some miracle of some sorts, me and my project have manage to pass V.R. all we had to do now is just to present watever crap we have on hand to the tutor and we would be deemed as passed. Wow! I really can't believe my luck.

u know..wat does it means when a gal tells u tat u have electric eyes? Tat your eyes can transmit some kinda electricity to her when u look her in the eyes for too long? Wow...tats kinda deep...I'm still trying to figure tat out. Well...kinda checked out my eyes in the mirror just now. Can't find anything special bout them...hhmmmm....Maybe she does see something in those eyes of mine...I dun know. Will do more research into tat..."Electric eyes".

2.33...just finish presenting my V.R. man! The shortest presentation ever in my sch life! Well...Should be able to pass tis subject I would say. Cause after adding up all the past quizs and online quiz, should be able to make it..But then again...Will be needing all the luck I can get. It's being a really tough final sem for me. But hey! Anything possible now after I saw THE COMET last nite! wahaha! gonna pack up and go food hunting now! freaking hungry....and super stoned as well...

4.57..just came back from supper at simpang bedok. did a few crazy stuff with ting. let's see...normal supper followed by a couple of fruit favoured vodka mixed with some kinda milk shots. we had 5 shots to ourselves each. hhmmm....did expect myself to get quite high cause i'm a poor drinker. but to my surprise, i did not! wow! i must be getting better at drinking! after the shots, we were like crapping away bout everything and anything under the moon...it's late already...no sun! :P we can really crap a lot...me and her! we always end up making each other laugh our heads off! also, we are like looking up the sky every now and then. hee! tats to check if we're lucky 2 times in a row or hoping tat lighting does struck twice at the same spot! hahaha! we're aiming and hoping to see another comet lah! wat else?

had a really busy busy day at work...even though it's a mon...should be no people watching movies rite? yup yup...my work place was like a ghost town...tats when tat stupid manager told me to go rearrange the site office where we store all our stocks....alone! man! i spend like 1 hour plus just shifting my stock here and there to make space for the new sutff comign in tomolo! i dun get it! they can always call people to do it over the weekend when there are more stuff. why me? man! is it cause i'm too easy-going? have to check myself on tat and change....can't always let people eat me up all the time.

hhhmmmm.....wat does it feel to be able to kiss again? well...i would say it's really a mixture a feelings. feelings i can't even pen it down here. to be able to kiss again really felt good. especially coming from someone tat u have feelings for. DUH! of cause u have to have feelings for tat person...have to slap myself on tat point i just made. :P but to kiss and to kiss woth feelings is like totally 2 different things. in the past...kissing is just kissing to me...a step towards making out. but after tonite, i kissed with feelings.. feelings tat i thought was long gone, robbed away from me eons ago. i really felt good....so good tat i can't stop thinking bout it. so good tat i can't even pen it down here....tat i can only use the word good to describe bout it....and the word good is not doing any good to the feeling i have now. i dun believe in forever anymore...just hope tat this feeling will last as long as it can get and taste as good as it can be. somehow....i've managed to land myself into a suitation tat i told myself time and time again never to be in. but i guess feelings are kinda really hard to control. once it comes, it'll just hit you square and hard in the face. tonite, tat just happened to me...i dun expect much....i know tat she's not ready. wat can i do? i wonder...well..as long as she's happy around me...tats good enough for me. feelings are growing stronger and stronger by the day....man! is tat a good thing to happen or bad? time can only tell i guess....

wow....it's like 5.35 in the morning....so much for my "sleeping early" mission tonite. it's morning man! :P surpiseingly, i'm not tired or shagged out at all...can this be due to the fact tat i can't really get to sleep, or me being too overl happy over wat happened just now? hhmmmm.....Sep 21.....another special day for me to remember...well....it's really getting late...by hook or by crook, no matter how happy i'm.....I'VE GOTTA GET MY ASS TO BED! good nite dear world....have a good sleep and sweet dreams...

this is kiat here...signing out...


me...at one of my lowest point of life. can't wait for the day where i really can smoke myself to death.

- I'm BORED...
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 8:57 PM

Monday, September 20, 2004

gonna get blasted into dreamland now....nites to all...and sweet dreams to me....no more nite mares pls...being getting enough of them these past few nites....crap! just remembered tat exams are round the edge. wat a crappy life i have now...

sometimes, even angels do fall u know..

- +The thing bout COMET and blogging and the past.+
Scribbled by Amateur Shutterbug @ 8:43 PM